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Kalöfi Hart

A QUEST FOR ANSWERS (OR AM I MAD?)

One of the joys of being a “Thinker” involves the ability to grasp very abstract concepts from the comfort of home. One of the dangers, however, involves the possibility of disappearing up one’s own backside and not being able to find the way back out.

The following sketch is about a person who has found themselves in just such a predicament, having studied various theories related to human growth and development, psychology, and is in desperate pursuit of answers related to how to become “normal”.

It should be noted that all characters in this sketch are fictional. “GP” is the abbreviation of General Practitioner, and bears no resemblance to an actual person. “MP” is the abbreviation of Mad Person, and has nothing to do with Members of Parliament.

MAD RAMBLINGS

Scene One : The Surgery

GP – “How can I help you today?”

MP – “Well, I’ve been thinking doctor, and I think I need a central core personality transplant!”

GP – “I’m not sure if that can be arranged, but I notice that your head appears to be stuck up your anus, and probably needs to be surgically removed! I think I really should refer you to God.

MP – “Is God a consultant?”

GP – “Well, if God exists, I believe He is the only Person who can help you in your current predicament”.

MP – “How come, doctor?”

GP – “Well say, for example, if I were to enter into your ponderings and attempt to answer your questions, I may well end up with my head stuck up my anus also, then we would both have the same problem! I also think this would definitely cross the bounds of professional responsibility.

MP – “So……., what if God doesn’t exist, where does that leave me?”

GP – “With your head stuck in an extremely uncomfortable position, and a terminal condition I’m afraid!”

MP – “Oh, I see.”

GP – “As far as your request for a central core personality transplant is concerned, may I just ask what has led you to this conclusion?”

MP – “Well, I’ve been for counseling by various professional bodies to the point where I have counseling coming out of my ears, which is most uncomfortable given the current position of my head and, even worse, I seem to have made no progress!”

GP – “Uhha, but that doesn’t explain why you feel you need a central core personality transplant. Can you expound on this a little?”

MP – “Ok. According to Bowlby’s Attachment Theory, his research suggested that infant mortality could be related to early separation from the mother. This makes me wonder how come I am not dead, and then my head begins to disappear where it currently appears to be stuck.

According to Eriksson’s Eight Ages of Man, the first year of an infant’s life, and the experience therein, determines the ratio of “Basic Trust vs. Basic Mistrust”, and forms the foundation of the central core personality. The first year of my life, I can fairly deduce based on his theory therefore, formed a highly unfavorable ratio of Basic Mistrust as the foundation of my central core personality. With this knowledge in mind, and awareness of my apparent difficulty in building and maintaining healthy relationships, led me to conclude that I needed counseling around this issue, and at times have felt quite desperate that I will never overcome these difficulties. The fact that, to date, the counseling has proved to be insufficient to dislodge the faulty bricks in my foundations, leads me to conclude that the only option left to me is a central core personality transplant!”

GP – “Oh, I see. Er…..ummm…., I see, I see…..er…ummm. Hmmmmm………., best refer you to God for that one also. Yes, yes…………. I think this would be the best course of action. Hmmmmmm. Yes, yes, yes…… no I don’t think Paroxetine would help in your case……..no, not at all…………. Emm..

Next please!”

MP – “But doctor, I haven’t finished! I haven’t told you about the self-destruct suicide button I have in here, which leads me to conclude that Mr. Bowlby was right, but doesn’t explain why I’m not dead, only that I should be! I haven’t even begun to tell you about the theory of Object Relations, which suggests that I may have found some issues far too difficult to resolve and somehow managed to subconsciously split them off from my conscious self, but am still being ruled by them. Or the possibility that my head is made up of a three-way dialogue system (I think it’s called Transactional Analysis, and consists of Parent, Teacher and child), and that any one of the three components could be “hooked” by another person and…….”

GP – “Look, can I just stop you there. I have a suggestion that you may consider as a possible avenue to pursue”.

MP – “Yes doctor?”

GP – “There is a Charismatic Church just down the road from here. They hold meetings every Sunday morning, evening, and also on a Wednesday night at 7pm. Why don’t you go there and see if you can get an emergency appointment with God yourself?”

MP – “Do you think that might help, doctor?”

GP – “Er….em…, well you know the medical profession can never guarantee the success of any given treatment, but what I can tell you is that the transplant you’re asking for is not yet available on the NHS, and there is no time scale on its’ availability. I’m sorry, there is no more I can do for you than offer you Alternative Therapy. It’s up to you whether or not you choose to pursue this as a possible remedy”.

MP – “Should I make an appointment to see you next week, so you can monitor my progress?”

GP – “Next please!”

MP – “I forgot to mention, doctor, that maybe the reason my head is stuck in this particular position could be related to Freud’s theory of Anal Retention!”

GP – “Ok. I’ll tell you what to do. Take a little of each theory three times a day with a pinch of salt, and go to church at least once a week!”

MP – “Ok doc that sounds good. Should I make an appointment to see you next week so you can……..”

GP – “I’m going to be away for the next couple of weeks, I think I need a holiday, or maybe I’m not feeling well. Incapacity Benefit sounds good…..yes….I think I could live on Incapacity Benefit for a while, anything would be better than this. Maybe I’ll phone the Samaritans over a three-litre box of wine tonight……..”

MP – “Thanks doc. See you next week then!”

Scene Two : The Charismatic Church

ELDER – “Welcome, welcome! Haven’t seen you here before, welcome to our very charismatic church. Hope you will enjoy our service and feel very welcome, and that if you have just left an organized church you will find that our church is really the way to go. Welcome! Welcome! We are a very nice bunch here. Welcome! Welcome!”

MP – “That’s very nice of you. I feel extremely welcome already, but I haven’t come from another church. Actually, I’ve just come from the doctor’s surgery, you know, the one just up the road? Perhaps you could tell me how I might go about getting an emergency appointment with God, on a one-to-one basis you understand?”

ELDER – “You’ve come to the right place! We always hear from God here. You know, He knocks people over, they roll about on the ground and nobody understands why, but we just know its’ God. Then people start gibbering and nobody understands a word, and we just know its’ God! Welcome! Welcome! You’ve come to the right place! May I just ask, I mean you don’t need to tell me anything, but why do you feel you need an emergency appointment with God on a one-to-one basis? I mean we have a service and everything here and maybe there won’t be time. Is there anything you would like to talk about now? I have ten minutes I could give you before the service starts.”

MP – “Well, I went to the doctor you see, and I asked to be referred for a central core personality transplant. She told me I should come here and ask for an emergency appointment with God, and that I should take a course of theories three times a day with a pinch of salt and go to church at least once a week. The doctor said that God really is the only Person that can help me out of my predicament, so I REALLY need an emergency appointment with God on a one-to-one basis!”

ELDER – “I see, I see. Do you mind if I ask what exactly is your predicament?”

MP – “Well, I thought you may have noticed yourself, but the doctor also told me that my head is stuck up my anus and that it would need to be surgically removed. She said I needed to be referred to God, and then I told her that I feel suicidal sometimes and, according to Bowlby’s theory of Attachment, I should really be dead!”

ELDER - “Ah! Yes, well suicide is a sin, and you would certainly go straight to hell if you did that!”

MP – “Look, I have a problem with my central core personality in that it is foundationally faulty. I have an unfavorable ratio of Basic Mistrust, and I can’t seem to do anything about it! Do you think you could swing it so I could have an emergency appointment with GOD?”

ELDER – “Er…..em….um….er…….of course you know that your sins are forgiven, don’t you? Um….er….um…yes, bless you, your sins are forgiven.”

MP - “EH?”

ELDER – “Take a seat….er….the praise is about to start….um……I’ll…er…..um…..see if the pastor can see you after the service. Of course I can’t guarantee it, he’s a very busy man….you know how it is….but….er….maybe he’ll see you for a chat after the service.”

MP – “Can he fix an appointment with God for me, like on a one-to-one basis? I really need this appointment, after all it’s what the doctor prescribed!”

ELDER – “Bless you, bless you. See you later then….enjoy the service. Hope to see you again. Bless you, bless you………”

LATER, AFTER THE SERVICE, MP MEETS THE PASTOR FOR A CHAT.

PASTOR – “Hi there! One of our elders told me you would like to have a chat.”

MP – “Well actually, what I really need is an emergency appointment with God. You see, the doctor referred me here because I need a central core personality transplant, and my head is stuck in this incredibly uncomfortable position!”

PASTOR – “I see. Uhhuh. Right, ok. You don’t actually need to make an appointment to see God, just talk to him now right where you are. I can pray along with you if you like.”

MP – “Really? You mean I don’t need to make an appointment, just talk to Him now, here?”

PASTOR – “MmmmHmmm! Right now, just as you are, no appointment necessary! Come on, test the water and I’ll pray along with you.”

MP – “Ok! Here goes! Er…….Hi God! Er,em….You don’t know me, but I’ve been for all this counseling…….blah…..blah……..and my GP noticed that…..blah….blah…. I’ve read all these theories You see………blah…..and maybe……blah…..blah….blah…..and I……..blah,blah,blah……blah…….Bowlby……..blah…..blah……..Eriksson…….blah….blah…..and You could remove my head from this awkward position, and give me a central core personality transplant!

What do You think?”

GOD – “EH?”

© Kalöfi Hart 2004